HIDDEN
by kolski
Summary: They say the best way to hide a problem is to hide it in plain sight. That way although people will realise it's an issue, they never quite understand just how vast that seemingly little thing is. *TW: self-harm, suicide attempt, panic attack, depression, dark*
1. HIDDEN: Warnings

**Reader discretion is advised.**

 **This fanfiction contains graphic description about self-harm, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, panic attacks, depression, and dark thoughts. No character death.**

 **Please be aware that these warnings could be triggering.**


	2. HIDDEN: Prologue

HIDDEN

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They say the best way to hide a problem is to hide it in plain sight. That way although people will realise it's an issue, they never quite understand just how vast that seemingly little thing is. They will never quite grasp on to the idea that the pale white canyons that line frighteningly fragile skin aren't just battle scars from tremors that wrecked havoc years ago, but are rather neon sign posts screaming out mercilessly about the murderer that lurks no more than inches away- hidden within burning mind, and a bleak and dark head.

They never quite gain a full estimate of the scale of destruction that the soul battles with.

And that was the theory one ginger haired boy thoroughly believed.


	3. HIDDEN: Chapter 1

**A/N: To clear things up, (if you're wondering if you've read this before but why is it being uploaded again…) This is being rewritten in parts & therefore reuploaded. I was actually really proud of myself for finishing this, but yeah, things happen and now I'm rewriting some of it! I'm also adding two new chapters, which will be fun… and really hope to finish doing so over the next week (maybe two~) **

**Grammar is not my strong suit, I'm sorry... just send fire if you spot something.**

 **As always, warnings apply. Please read with caution.**

 **Disclaimer: Haikyuu's characters and plot are not mind, nor do claim what I write is to be true but merely fiction.**

 **And now that's done enjoy!**

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HIDDEN

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"Hinata! Don't mind!" A voice echoed through Karasuno's gym, bouncing of the walls and worn wooden floors to the dusty railings above. "Next time for sure!" The voice of a certain silver haired boy spoke again- Sugawara Koushi- third year and member of Karasuno's volleyball team. Sugawara offered a small apologetic smile before returning back into position as setter for the spiking warm ups.

This simple mistake shouldn't have been something that caused Hinata Shouyou, first year on the volley ball team, to feel so devastated about: nobody is perfect after all. However, this was the third ball missed just within today's warm ups, from the countless ones missed for weeks now. Hinata bowed his head to let his face become hidden so he could compose himself for a second, although guilt burden his heart, the boy believed it had no purpose in showing his upset with the team. There was no need to weigh them down by being selfish. A second was all what Hinata needed before raising his head back up with a fake apologetic smile plastered on his face.

"Sorry Sugawara-san…' Hinata replied, sheepishly rubbing a hand behind his neck. 'Next time!" He forced out with a grin and began to jog back to the end of the line where the other volleyball members waited- feet squeaking slobblishly against the wooden panels as he went as.

It was times like this that life felt as though it was on repeat: wake up, school, volleyball practise, home, sleep. Again, and again it would replay endlessly. Each day became harder to keep looking forward; to keep believing that maybe tomorrow would be different. Hinata looked down at his hands- eyes trying to endlessly search for something. That 'sign' that would finally prove that every dark thought pumping through his veins was defeatable. He curled his fingers towards his palms trying to search for that something, but his fingers were nothing but numb bones attached to his small hands.

"Hinata-kun!" Hinata was snapped from his thoughts as the teams' libero Nishinoya Yuu called to him with smile, and a creased brow full of concern for the younger boy.

Hinata reared his head upwards, letting his arms drop instantly to his sides again while pulling a fake grin on to his face. 'Hi Nishinoya-senpai!"

Regardless of the fears that Nishinoya feels about the younger boy, he couldn't help but beam at that; he cracked a sideways grin. He then beckoned Hinata over with a wave of his hand.

An urge of dread rushed through the younger boy. He knew that the other boy could tell something was off with him, and to be frank about it, Hinata really didn't feel like he had the mental strength today to be dealing with the worries that every now and then the volleyball team would ask him about. Hinata knew that this selfishness of failing to address these worries wasn't exactly healthy; yet, how even could he begin to start tackling so many countless problems that swirled inside him like a twisted and taunted tornado.

However, Hinata also knew that he couldn't not face these worries that the people around him had. It wouldn't be exactly hiding in plain sight if ran away and curled up in a dark corner somewhere. So the ginger haired boy jogged over to his addresser- and to ensure that his flawless act was kept, he put a skip into his stride and the brightest smile a depressed and suicidal teenager could muster.

He came to a stop in front of Nishinoya. A moment passed before either spoke. But who could blame the shorter boy when fear gripped his throat, like a lion whose jaws clamped shut around his neck- crushing his lungs from the lack of oxygen. How could you blame someone who feared for someone else's life?

"Hinata-kun- how are you?" Nishinoya finally chimed out- swallowing back an ocean of questions that churned about, and yearned to spill from his tongue.

Hinata's eyes didn't even blink. "I'm good, Nishinoya-senpai!" Keen to avert such personal questions, the boy continued. "I've been practising really hard with my spiking technique- I think I'm nearly solved my problem now!"

Nishinoya faltered slightly, he knew that Hinata would do this. "That great!"

"Ah… but I still can't receive that well… I wish I could do that cool 'woosh' like you Nishinyo-senpai!" Hinata chatted on determined now.

The shorter of the two boys laughed lightly. "Don't worry Hinata-kun! I'll teach how to be epic just like me!"

Both boys then grinned. It would been impossible to tell at this point which one of their expressions was false. That mask was too well worn to allow curious eyes to leer behind the foundations that were so finely bolted down in concrete graves.

"Nah Hinata-kun! If you want to be epic then you need to learn do to so with me!" A third boy, shaven head and bent posture, joked. Tanaka Ryuunosuke, second year like Nishinyo, had jumped in to join the conversation. Just what Hinata didn't need.

Nishinyo huffed in response, grinning just as wide as his friend. "Your spiking might be cool Tanaka-kun, but my receiving is the coolest!" he joked back.

They bickered playfully then, laughing and joking about which court position was better. Yet though tried his best to keep up with their playful talk, Hinata just drowned out what they said. His concentration had wavered leaving him to plunge in to the icy depths of his soul- sinking further and further down in the murky sludge below him. His chest seemed to tighten; ribs burning his insides and scorching his heart to ashes. It was painful to watch the two friends speak so easily to each other, without the weight of stones in their hearts.

It was painful to watch the freedom that Hinata yearned so desperately for.

"Hinata…?"

He knew he shouldn't have zoned out.

"Um… erm… yES!" the boy stuttered out.

Both Nishinyo and Tanaka faces had fell. Eyes searching, throats burning.

Hinata's mind began spinning. His concentration was scattered like an avalanche of autumn leaves racing restlessly around each other. He struggled to find his words; letting his bitten finger nails press hard against his palm in almost shaking fists.

'Say something. _Say anything._ Don't just stand there.' Hinata felt like choking himself just to rid of the silence that echoed in the room.

"NISHINYO, TANAKA." A voice boomed. Hinata had never felt more relived in his life to hear the voice of Coach Ukai sound throughout the gym. The two boys almost jumped out of their skin, turning on a pivot to meet Coach Ukai dressed in his usual red jacket and track suit, with blonde hair pulled back by a hair band, and face silently fuming in a cold glaze. Even the team captain Daichi Sawamura gulped and paused from practising with the team's ace Asahi Azumane and second setter Sugawara.

"Coach Ukai-senpai!" Both yelled out with their bodies glued stiff.

The coach huffed. "Five times round the gym. GO!" he ordered. Both had started running before he had finished his sentence.

Hinata had remained frozen to the spot however; his wide eyes staring with anticipation at what his punishment would be. 'Punishment.' That thought played on the small boy's mind. Maybe that would help cure this sickness within him. Hinata didn't have time to ponder on that though.

"Hinata." Coach Ukai spoke again, this time ever so slightly less boisterously.

"YES!" Hinata yelled back. Those few moments had once again allowed the small boy to build up his walls again and slam down the Iron Gate again: sealing himself from the world outside, and the prying claws that wished to claw away his madness.

"Join kageyama- continue practising spiking." He paused a second, raising an eyebrow. "To work everybody! Get your buts moving!"

Gulping, Hinata slowly joined the glaring Kageyama. Cold glaze piercing right through Hinata's painted smile and tall lies. He knew about his secrets. Those dark eyes easily read through Hinata's broken ones. Kageyama Tobio, first year and Hinata's closest friend knew. This was another haunting memory that weighed in Hinata's stomach. He could never forget the day when Kageyama had found the fresh slits lining his upper arms- cornering him in the locker room, yelling bloody murder at him until Sugawara and Daichi wrestled the burning demon outside.

That was the day they found out.

It was also the day Hinata showed everyone his weakness.

It was also the last time anyone saw his weakness.

That event had occurred nearly a month ago now. Still, Kageyama looked at Hinata with anger; not because he saw him as weak. No. That would have been low of the boy, considering all the hardships that he had also lived through too. No; it was of the fact that mere weeks before that day Hinata had promised that the labyrinth of scars lining his skin were nothing more than memories. He had promised Kageyama that he wouldn't ever hurt himself again- and if he wanted to, he would call the raven haired boy first. _Regardless._

That single day not only showed his 'mouth full of lies', but of how _little he trusted his friend_.

Well, that was what Kageyama believed.

The two boys spoke not a word when Hinata reached his destination, after what felt like year long journey across the desert sands of the gym floor. Hinata still didn't falter when he forced out that same old fake smile on to his face, and stood directly in front of the fuming Kageyama who continued to glare at the smaller boy as though death threats could cure disease.

'Death. Wouldn't that be much easier than having to face living?'

Ten seconds. Thirty seconds. An entire minute passed before Kageyama huffed- clearly beyond pissed- readjusting his grip on the red, green, and white volleyball in his hands with knuckles that had begun to turn a bleak white through his tight, vice like grip due to sheer frustration. With a turn of his body he gestured for them both to begin practising.

Hinata inwardly sighed. Swallowing back his troubles to ensure that his focus wouldn't waver anymore today. The last thing in existence that Hinata wanted was for Kageyama to see his weakness, again.

 _To see how far that he had fallen from the boy he used to be._

Practise was going to be long today.

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 **Thanks for reading the first chapter! Hope it's not too bad... Updates will be coming soon my friends ;)**

 **Reviews are always loved!**

 **kolski**


	4. HIDDEN: Chapter 2

HIDDEN

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Run. Jump. Miss. Run. Jump. Hit. Repeat.

It was a cycle engrained into Hinata's head. Over and over again. Every hit meant a success- a reason less to hate his very aching bones; and with every miss led to another mark ready to be added to a lengthy tally which was kept score with a razor blade on the canvas of his frighteningly pale skin.

It felt pointless in a sense to the small boy; the repetitiveness of failure that was always the outcome of every laboured attempt of success. Hinata knew that. Yet, he believed it was far better to keep drilling out shortfalls, than face the burning face of a once best friend. Fire cannot be stopped with fire; and the words itching to fall like rapids from Hinata's tongue would prove no use in drowning the blaze before him. So held his tongue, remaining under the safety of a fireproof blanket; hidden away sharp eyes of Kageyama as drilled out spike after spike.

With every bang on the floorboards below, Hinata's mind had become blurry; time around him felt sluggish- clogging reactions as though he was waist high pool of syrup. But rather than sweetness, it left a sour taste- like copper blood from a bitten lip when the urge to scream for help became too much. Maybe it was just another form of punishment; having to spend more time under the analysing eyes of the person who had given him some of the best moments to date of his life.

Though the small boy forced himself to focus, his dull eyes couldn't help wonder continuously to the wall clock hanging to the left of him as his jumped- hoping that time would just speed up so he wouldn't have to 'play pretend' anymore.

Every tick of the clock lulled his mind, sapping away his thoughts of volleyball as the days warmups moved to a practise match. But with his damaged concentration and failure to play good, he found himself once again on the side lines looking onwards as his friends played the game he once loved dearly. Hinata's eyes threaten to burn with tears as sat the bench; each 'don't mind' and cheer eating away at him like acid in his skull. He clenched his hands tight- feeling the small burn of his finger nails dig into his skin. His chest felt so heavy, laden with iron buckets of guilt. Hinata wished than to no more jump up from where he sat and scream out about how much he hurt. How much his demons were killing him; making each breath harder and harder as though the very air he breathed was poison.

But he didn't.

Instead Hinata's shoulders sagged and his head drooped. He looked down at his shoes- flecks of dirt tarnishing the cotton white. He bit his lip, holding back the ocean of words that yearn to leave him like a tsunami.

If only time could be sped up so he could be closer to reaching his release. His silver edged monster.

Finally, the aching minutes had moved by meaning home time had arrived. Time for Hinata to release the demons that were screaming under his skin. Only a few more minutes now before he feel something more than this nothingness that rotted his chest again.

As practise ended, everyone gathered round Coach Ukai as usual, kneeling down to listen to the coaches last words of the day. Hinata looked on with the others, yet, the coach's words didn't quite reach his ears. A murky fog dulled his senses instead blocking out the world around him. With words spoke, the team set to tidy up for day.

Stand. Walk. Tidy.

Just keep moving and don't stop.

The clock above kept ticking. Each tick taunting the small boys ears as though he were losing precious seconds. At last all was done.

The ginger haired boy practically spirted to the club room to grab his bag and school uniform that was previously dump there in hast. The recent tremors causing his thighs to become painted in bloody gashes were not something easily hidden. Dread clogged the boy's throat in thought of the eyes that would look down on him if such nightmare-ish scenes were witnessed by his peers.

Hinata flew into the changing rooms, lungs still burning slightly from practise and head beginning to spin from the lack of oxygen in his veins. His fingers, like hooked claws, reached outwards- pulling his belongings together.

Click. It was too late; already the club members began entering one after the other with small smiles and half jokes framing their faces. Along with concerned eyes that Hinata couldn't meet. Being next to door shouldn't stop his exit though; it was only a matter of slipping out. Hinata pretended to be busy, half-heartedly reorganising papers in his bag, waiting for the right moment that would perfectly allow him to escape. But like many of Hinata's ideas, this 'Mission Impossible' really did earn its name.

Instead of freedom, the small boy was met by 188cm, Towering Wall of Doom; or more commonly known as Tsukishima Kei. Behind him stood the wide eyed Yamaguchi Tadashi; both were second years to the volley ball team. With tall boy's reputation of lagging behind, Hinata knew he should have known better and waited for everyone to enter the volley ball's club room. The ginger haired boy was forced to crane his neck upwards to meet the cold glare of the blonde haired boy before him. As their eyes met Hinata, was met with a look of annoyance- it was far too clear to see that Tsukishima, much like Kageyama, had no time for Hinata's little 'show'.

"Tsk."

Hinata did his best to not let that such a simply action break him. To not let his already shaking wall crumble to dust, ready to be washed away as sand with the breaking waves of a churning ocean. Tsukishima simply brushed past the smaller boy, tugging along a stuttering Yamaguchi as the other attempted to form a sentence to Hinata.

Seconds past slowly. A burning heart lurched within a cavernous chest. Thud after thud sounding like a clock, a countdown even, as though the little ticks were waiting for a final explosion. It felt like any second now his chest would let go and explode. Creating a blast, a bang, some final fire rather than fading into the total oblivion that surrounds him- crushing him, drowning him in the spot where he stood.

Yet, the boy knew better than to show such madness. Instead, he tugged a smile on his lips, brushing away the words within him. The rest of volley ball, whose peer's actions had paused them, were left to face the ginger haired boy. If awkwardness could be defined by any actions, this situation would have topped it. Silence ate greedily within the room; with eyes unsure where to rest and thoughts too restless to stir.

Say something. "Haha…" Hinata croaked out, clearing his throat, "Gotta dash!" He aimed for a toothy grin, but just achieved a wince like smile.

"Aren't you going to change, Hinata?" The bold voice of the team captain Daichi spoke, freezing Hinata in mid-spin. If you had looked closely within that second, sheer panic would've been seen. 'A deer caught in the headlights'- a picture perfect example of the terror that the boy lived with, bubbling like toxic chemicals underneath his melting flesh.

"I need to get home quick tonight, so I don't have time to!" Hinata allowed the lies to vomit from his mouth. However, he couldn't make his eyes meet Daichi's- his cracks were beginning to show. He need to go now, before he couldn't hold it any more.

"Hinata—kun, could I have a word?" Sugawara had quietly moved to Hinata side, giving the younger boy a small smile of reassurance if though any moment now he would bolt, like an frightened deer- fleeing from its inevitable death.

'Idiot', Hinata's mind burned at him. 'How could you slip up like that? Especially, twice today as well.' "Sure Suga-senpai" the younger boy beamed, painting brashly over cracks as he did so. And with that, Hinata was ushered outside.

He knew what Sugawara was going to ask next; ever since _that day-_ when his most hidden secrets were spilled; it was Sugawara who made sure to keep close eye on the younger boy. Hinata didn't bother resisting as he turned over his forearms to face the silver-haired boy, pushing the mutilated flesh forward to allow a worried glaze to rest upon years' worth of white scars. Some were pinker due to being newer and deeper and more like red sandstone canyons than human skin. With gentle hands, the elder boy took hold of Hinata's arms, restless eyes scanning for any signs of recent trauma.

"And you haven't… haven't harmed yourself anywhere else?" Sugawara asked softy, eyes down looking into the depths of Hinata's.

Hinata felt like crying. Sobbing, to be more precise. The guilt that ate at him hissed in resistance as more lies stumbled out of his mouth. "No. I haven't."

Sugawara kept his eyes firm for a moment more. He knows, Hinata's mind trembled.

"Okay then." Sugawara said, releasing Hinata's arms allowing them to fall to the sides of the skinny boy.

"Um, yes!" Hinata jumped back to his false reality. "I, um, really need to go! My mum's expecting me!" Hinata picked up his bag that lay next to his feet, desperate to run away from having to spit out lies quicker than breathing. The younger boy began pacing away, a flatness to his stride echoing around his cracking mask.

He had just reached the rain-washed wooden steps when Sugawara called again. "Hinata!"

The ginger haired boy turned again. "Yes Suga-san?"

"If you ever need to talk, I'm right here okay? We're all are." Sugawara's voice shook slightly.

Tick.

"Yes." A strained reply came. "um- bye, Suga-san!" the same voice called again.

Too close. Far too close.

Hinata knew that could never let them see what was really going on inside his head; within his the darkness of his skull that had drained away his light. How could he? He just wished that would finally let everything just stop- to stop everyone poking away at the seams of his armour.

With every inch of his aching skin Hinata wished for the burning slice of cold edge, beckoning him to make the final jump into the oblivion.

As the small boy sped away, a worried Suga was left to watch on. Eyes darker than usual and chest uncomfortable with the thoughts of what that boy was hiding. As the ginger mop of head disappeared from sight, behind the white washed buildings in front, a sigh left him.

 _How do you save those that hide themselves behind painted smiles?_

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 **Well, this was a thing... i don't really know what it was, but it was a thing...**

 **Reviews are always loved!**

 **kolski**


	5. HIDDEN: Chapter 3

**A/N: Warning: Graphic descriptions of self harm occur in this chapter.**

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HIDDEN

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The ragged breathes of a young gingered haired boy could be heard- snarling through the solace of the countryside as though a flight animal was nearing the end of a fear filled adrenaline sprint. Hinata's limbs trembled fiercely as wobbly legs pounded the pedals of the heavy metal bike- each stroke sapping more strength from aching muscles.

Trees, with their trunks like the wrinkled legs of giants, fluttered past as the young boy sped home; paying no attention to the way how the last dying rays of an evening sun trickled through the canopy of branches above, shining through its fingertips to the dawn lit dust below. Nor did he care how the warm summer light, which fell softly over his exposed skin, seemed to beg him not to ride on into the shadows beyond that stretched in black masses across the road he rode on. Though the snarling jaws of darkness only told tales of torture, Hinata kept etching forward into its depths: running from the blinding truth of daylight into the cold secrets of the dark.

As the ginger haired boy passed over the hills' brow, the light that had flooded his incline now drowned out behind him, leaving him to ride on alone to a destination sure bent for another rollercoaster spin of madness.

Hinata's house rolled slowly into view; it was slightly set back into the towering woods behind which plastered this hillside. Free standing, yet still within arms reach of another dozen or so buildings. The house itself was nothing special, just plain brick and mortar with wooden beams that made up its framework. Hinata slowed to a standstill by his house's front steps; jumping off only to stumble to his knees allowing the bike to clatter to the pebbly ground below. Grimacing, the small boy pulled himself on to the steps, peering down to access the damage that had become of his limbs.

However, no more than a few grazes that had graced his knees. The beams of fresh blood had started to clot at the surface of the small wounds, painting his white skin a beautiful shade of red; this only made Hinata's head yearn for more. For more blood- more pain- anything more than the darkness which shrouded his head; turning so many of his days a shade of black.

Fractured eyes gleamed darkly at the spots of red. The ginger haired boy's head had finally stopped spinning as the rush of endorphins rushed through him, gushing through his veins. But this release only held him for a second or two; Hinata had already began plummeting: head screeching and heart fluttering painfully in the tight space in his chest. Lifting his arms, Hinata dug the palms of his hands into his eye sockets to try and stop the madness.

 _Concentrate god damnit._

Picking himself up, Hinata grasped hold of the paint chipped railings. Clutching it as though it were a life line, holding his battered soul in place against a raging storm. His mother and sister weren't home. That probably was a good thing, because these next moments shouldn't have to be witnessed by anyone.

Within a few short yards Hinata had reached the downstairs bathroom. Shaky fingers gripped the cold handle, pulling it open to reveal the dark room behind.

The ceiling light flickered on, flooding its garish white eyes across the tiled room before him. An oval bathtub to the left and sink straight ahead. Click. Trembling fingers locked the door shut behind him; hiding away his sins that were about to start flowing.

Hinata let his back slide down the near right wall- knees knocking with scrawny legs ended up at a splayed out angles. Hands reached to his right- sliding under the wicker basket full of towels where his darkest secret lurked. Sweaty fingers grasped a cold shape. He pulled the object out. The silver edge murderer gleamed back at him; sharp tongue flickering, whispering words of sanity while Hinata watched the room's light dance upon it's fine peak; lulling his burning mind to a peaceful sleep.

Pushing down his shorts, and pulling up the blade, the ginger haired boy traced pale skin with the razor. Watching it leave white lines as it skimmed across a battle worn canvas.

Bitter thoughts began to grip the small boy as he sat crumbled in the small bathroom of his home.

Hinata could remember the first time he had decided to slice open the pale flesh on his small body mercilessly. After losing at the finals, with building stresses of school: his never ending failures had become too much. Missing spikes and barely scoring in exams- the failure of letting everyone down around him. It grew on the small boy like a cancerous lump in his throat, draining every note of rationality from a burning mind, and replacing them with screams; terrorising the boy's sanity.

It had felt like fated luck when Hinata found his silver saviour. A simple accident with a knife lead to the boy pondering the small cut on his finger later that night sitting crossed legged, clothed in a simple T-shirt and boxers, staring down at his bandaged finger while moonlight flooded the empty spaces around him. His finger barely hurt then, yet, this numbness that the small cut had given him felt… good. His mind was not screaming, nor his chest heaving. The pain that plagued his existence had been flushed away: taking all of his impurities, his fears and failures, with just a single small slice.

And it was within that moment, although unaware at the time, Hinata had started along an icy path of addiction- becoming a slave to a mind numbing disease that would only curse his body with increasingly brutal slashes of hatred fuelled emotion. Another, after another, after another- deeper and deeper- more reckless than the one before in a pointless attempt to ease the monster in his head. Short sleeves became long, smiles became forced; lies became bigger, tall tales that loomed over him so he could hide in their shadowy claws so he could try and convince himself that everything was still okay.

 _That he was okay._

With each release from slicing rivers into his body becoming shorter, Hinata had become dangerous at hiding his new secret. Slicing open your wrists in the school toilets probably wasn't the wisest decision ever made by the small boy. Neither was the disassembly of a disposable razor for the first time. It was here when Kagayama had finally discovered his darkest secret.

Hinata had just let the silver tooth monster take another bite into him when Kagayama had jokingly kicked open the toilet stall door. "Hinata, how much longer are you going to take we've practic-". The taller boy's throat had frozen. Before him the smaller boy sat curled up on the floor, with his wrist coloured a beautiful shade of crimson red.

Tears had flowed freely down his patchy red cheeks, merging with coppery tang of blood that painted his arm in smudges, unable to meet the eyes of the onlooker. Kagayama had stood here unable to move- eyes wide with fear, yet feet glued in panic to the dirty white tiles below him.

It felt like years before Kagayama could finally react, jumping forward to yank away the razor that Hinata still clutched in his right hand. He then gently grasped Hinata's left arm; holding it as though it were a nuclear bomb ready to detonate.

"W-why?" Kagayama had managed to stutter, throat cracking as he did. Hinata though did not answer, but rather sink further into himself, letting more sobs fall from his trembling lips. Kagayama had tended Hinata's war wounds, cleaning and bandaging the cuts.

A silence passed; Kagayama remained still while Hinata trembled quietly now.

"This is wrong."

" … I know."

"Then stop."

"…Okay…"

"No," kagayama stated more forcefully now, "promise me you will never do… never do this again." He gestured to Hinata's lap where his newly bandaged arm lay.

"I promise."

His promise hadn't lasted long.

'Was this wrong?' A moment of sanity splashed into thought as the razor flickered in the light; the calmness must have allowed such logic to breach the surface. Maybe. However, wasn't every in this boy's life just as wrong- just as mad and pointless and painful and full up to the brim of sadness? _When was it ever right?_

Tears brewed at Hinata's eyes, while his lips pulled tight as though it would stop them from falling.

 _'How could something so 'perfect' be so wrong?'_

The blade bit into his thigh- hands shaking as the edge ripped flesh apart, leaving a gaping gully within its path of destruction. Blood soon spouted- the oozing gunk trickling over the scarred skin of his thighs as it spilled from the war wounds above. Again, and again he slashed the blade across his flesh; bringing the bloodied nosed murderer to another patch of exposed skin, letting it slice effortlessly, releasing the churning crimson river from below. It trickled slowly from the source, dripping steadily to the white-washed tiles beneath; forming an ocean of broken memories and dreams- desolate and unfixable.

Hinata breathed allowing much needed oxygen to seep into his aching lungs. Finally he got his release- his burning desire was answered. And yet, the bloody mess of thighs, painted red from the countless gashes which lined his flesh before him, was nothing compared to the war within him.

It just, wasn't enough.

Hinata looked down at his left arm- where the worse of his scars laced his pale skin. Those ugly and vile looking things would forever haunt him; taunting his soul to the very roots of his heart.

Wouldn't it just be so very easy to simply press down through this mangled mat of twisting scars, down to the pulsing blue bulging vein below, watch as a red foundation appears washing away his sorrows, taking his demons with it.

Hinata lined the razor up against his arm. Clenching his teeth as tears began flowing down his cheeks. Shaking hands wobbled just like his vision blurred cloaked with tears. Brushing them harshly away with his arm, he focussed on the razor again. It's now bloodied edge still dancing with promise as it lured the small boy into its enticing trap.

 _Come on~ you want this right?_

Hinata pushed down into his flesh again. The sharp edge sliced neatly through skin, down past the old mangled lashes above.

Taking a deep breath, Hinata drew the blade away to see the damage. His mind drew blank as he once again slashed at his arm. Over and over- each deeper than the last- letting each mound of stress seep out of chest, on the floor below. Again, more crimson wells formed, their tear drops becoming rapids as each raced downwards from oceans below.

Hinata let the blade drop to tiles. His faux high keeping him feeling blurry, but this time in a good way. His arm throbbed slightly; looking down at it he realised he cut deeper than he originally thought, blood was still oozing out of his new war wounds faster than he liked.

The boy watched for a minute unsure of what to do. However, it was the crunching of gravel and sound of car pulling into the drive that spun Hinata into action. Quickly, Hinata washed and wiped away bloodstains that had spilled from his newly formed scars, watching the bloodied tissue vanish down the toilet in whirlpool. He then reached under the wicker basket again, retrieving a small metal box of which the latched had long ago broken. The green tattered design was dull compared to the sheen of a razor. Opening it, Hinata took out a bandage, wrapping it around the still slightly bleeding wounds on his arm, wincing as the soft fabric brushed against the open cuts.

But Hinata didn't have time to waste on that, pulling up his shorts to hide his thighs, and shoving on a hoodie from his bag that was left in the corner, he stood facing the door. He held the handle, giving himself a minute before he would need place his mask back on again.

"Hinata?" The voice of Hinata's mum sounded throughout the house. "Hinata honey? We're home! I'm so sorry we're back late~ work was nightmare today, thank god I was able to pick up your sister later today! Anyway-" The boy drowned out the rest. Mind already becoming restless.

He took a deep breath.

"Hinata? Where are yo-"

"I'm here mum!" A smiling face appeared, a perfect picture of happiness painting the fine china mask.

"Oh there you are! I know it's late, I'll get dinner started right away! Could you take your sister for a bath?" She asked.

"No problem!" Words fell easy from his mouth now. "Natsu! Come on, let's get you into that bath!"

"Shoyo! Okay~" A small girl appeared- her flaming orange pulled into pig tails with streaks of brightly coloured paint covering her blue dress and face.

"You're covered in paint, messy pup!" Hinata laughed softly at his sister. "Have you been painting at nursey?"

She giggled. "Yep! We're painting were we lived, and I painting our house and the trees and mummy and big brother-"

As she continued smiling and talking away, Hinata slowly sunk again. Her bright eyes looked so full of life- two stars shinning out so big against the dark. Hinata could feel himself drifting into thought: was he ever that happy? Can you even be that happy?

 _Would he be that happy again?_

 _Probably not._

* * *

 **Thanks for reading this far! I know I'm not the best writer in the world but I do try... Updates will be coming soon~ I'm writing the 4th & 5th chapter kinda at the same time(? idk either). **

**Reviews are always loved!**

 **kolski**


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